Two things that masquerade as 'reflection' and 'consideration'. Read on.
I recently posted on instagram about the 2 key things that I had finally surrendered to, and agreed that there was no value bringing them forward with me into 2017. In any shape or form.
What were they?
'Excessive Tolerance' and 'Habitual Rationalisation'.
Excessive tolerance is the kind of tolerance that has you continually, time after time, putting up with things that don't serve you because you cannot find the words, let alone speak them. If you do find the words, you are likely feeling protective, meek, with hot flushes and prickly skin - your voice loses 'integrity and power' so when you clearly try and communicate your feelings, and what is said doesn't land, is ignored and not met...
'Oh, ok then'.
That's it. That is all. 'Oh, ok then'.
It may look like..
- Same conversations over and over again
- Taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in a situation.
- Feeling disappointed over small details in communication and interactions with other humans
- A life all out of balance, too far behind, too much, too little. Too everything.
- Managing expectations, and trying to 'think ahead' or 'solve it all'.
It can be as obvious as it is subtle, but in any case it is insidious - and it builds a tonne of tiny moments where you feel (warranted or not) unheard, unseen and not value.
And you think that it has something to do with
- their ill-will toward you
- your own worthiness
- your inability to speak out or 'want more for yourself'.
Add it to the garden of the stories of when we are ourselves we are 'too much' for the people around us, and we add it to the weighing down and suffrage of feeling #allthethings.
Habitual Rationionalisation is when it is second nature to make an excuse for anything that has happened, be it
- excessive tolerance in your relationships and life
- why you didn't exercise, ate that, drank this.
- why nothing changed last year, in relationships, health, career or any other element that means a lot to you.
It is often found 'in the wild' masquerading as
'reflection' and 'consideration'
...in reality it is window dressing, and dancing around the fact that you are undermining your own efforts, stunting growth and getting stuck - you are effectively blocking momentum and movement. These ideas, excuses, and thoughts are generally very well thought out by your good-self, with no room for an opinion to come in edge ways.
Honey, you have got this locked down. Water tight.
Have I made these sound horrible enough to want to let go of yet?
These two work, seemingly with ease, to make sure you put up with too much, for too long, suffocating in the resulting thoughts and anxiety. The feeling that "you let someone treat you like that"....except you phrase it as 'how could they treat me like that'.
I give myself some tough, and real, love when it comes to being a hypersensitive and very empathetic - and a part of unconditional love that means you often need a reality check and some home truths.
Home truth that lands in a place that you can't ignore it - and that you don't want ignore either.
Where you choose to grow and work through it, not point the finger, rationalise or tolerate.
Your hypersensitivity and outrageously empathetic ways are not an excuse or get out of jail free card, they are NOT, my darling heart, a veil for you to hide behind.
I can say this to you, cause I say it to myself often.
It is not everyone else's problem that these wonderful descriptors apply to you. It is not their responsibility to work around you, all the time.
If anything, these moments are the flags and reminders of where you work in this life lies
- in learning about communication in finer detail.
- how to look after yourself and your energy.
- an invitation for radical self responsibility, learning and accountability.
And you know what?
Introverts, empaths and the highly sensitive are more revered now than ever before so you can connect with support, with people just like you, so you can do the things that you feel you cannot do.
What I wanted to say before my words got the better of me, is that it is UNDENIABLE THAT SETTING "BOUNDARIES" AS A HUMAN IS HARD, maybe more hard if you are a sensitive, empath or introvert.
I freaking get it. It take a process, and it take practice. But it is our responsibility to find a way to master it - because I am going to let you in on a little secret.
When you don't set boundaries, you don't know where you end and the other person begins - and we need to know that edge.
Why? Because the overlap is fertile ground for anxiety, overwhelm, depression and futile efforts. For over thinking and strategizing, creating a cycle that reinforces the tolerance and rationalisation. Sucks, huh?
So what do I do? What am I using to work on this?
I have outlined a few processes below - and I use my awareness to use it with ease and grace. Start small, where setting a boundary will result in a win. ie. Maybe not your parental issues, maybe choose the barista who made the wrong coffee that you are about to walk away with as to not upset him. (Gah, what is with that?!)
There is one reframe that I think is important for me - let me know if it resonates with you...the word ‘boundaries’ still feel pushy for me. I choose to reframe it to ‘how can I make sure I honour my own needs’, it somehow feels better that way! It allows me to ‘be true’ to who I am and how I get to be me true to me MORE. That feels better than thinking boundaries are protection, that I need protecting (does that make sense?).
...and with that, here are a few of my 'kind-of-thought-out-steps' as to navigate more of me getting my needs met!
1.BE CLEAR. Knowing my core desired feelings, and showing up for meditation most days helps me stay clear on the values I have for me. It creates a home-base, knowing what you are striving for, keeping alive, aligning with.
2. COMMUNICATE, DON'T OVER THINK, EXPERIMENT WITH ENFORCING CONSEQUENCES. The book ‘The Four Agreements’ helps a stack with accepting truth in your words, and with others and not taking reactions personally. *so many great steps in this book!!* ESPECIALLY being clear in communication and them following through with your words - reframing to not see it as an ‘ultimatum’ is gold!
3. FIERCELY PROTECT YOUR ENERGY. Reframing JUDGEMENT to DISCERNMENT means that moment to moment I create boundaries by steering around murky waters that aren’t aligned with where I want to go. Be gone energy sucks and negative nancys - you do not owe it to anyone to be excessively tolerant to someone who has no interest in bringing them best selves to each day.
4. LOVE THE GREY AREA. Staying flexible and open with compassion, understanding and the phrase ‘I give others the space they need to be themselves, i give my self the space to be myself’. It means I don’t get rigid, righteous or protecting myself in right or wrong/black and white.
All of these, as a daily work in practice, are where I am at right now. Frick they will probably change, and if you have any more thoughts and experiences I would love to know! Next time, I am going to get into the nitty-gritty on why the idea of 'an ultimatum' and upholding consequences to set boundaries often get confused. Should be a juicy one!
Love to hear your thoughts in the comments!